Secret in the Darkness

This blog entry is something that I wrote to reflect a night I didn't care to live anymore. The darkness got me to a point where I thought death was the only answer to end my suffering. I realize now that those actions and thoughts were just my excuses, fears and doubts manipulating my mind to think I knew what was "best" for me. Ive learned that saying goodbye was/is NEVER the answer, but instead staying in the fight, keeping that little light of hope somewhere in your sight, even if it appears miles and miles away. Thats your reason to keep going when you think you have none. The journey from that moment is long, difficult and scary, yes, but during that stretch of time you learn your worth and your importance in life. You begin to develop a love and appreciation for yourself and your strength to keep moving, understanding its a process. You might not see the growth right away, but every step forward counts. Be PROUD of yourself. #YoureWorthIt #ItsPossible -- Hope you enjoy the read. <3

  December 6, 2015 

 Theres a secret in the darkness. Its a strong hold as if you no longer have the power to control yourself. It surrenders your light and swallows you into the hopelessness of nothing. You become afraid as if the devil has corrupted your mind, slashing you with the negatives you now crave to seek. Its a haunting space that drains your heart empty of its meaning. The numbing sensation to its games is terrifying and your tears feed its power to color your world with the darkest shades of black. You’ve sunken into lonely pockets of the forgotten - slowly losing sight of the memories you treasure. Every turn taken is another hallway that never has an end. No where is comfortable, no where is safe, when now you have become the enemy yourself. The prayers you call to don’t seem to listen and don’t seem to care, for they make no movement. You scream louder for someone to hear your suffering but no doors seem to open. Collapsed and broken you lay across the floor face down so the outside world does not have to see your face. You become ashamed of your presence and hate on others worry. You find yourself in a fetal position gripping at your sides digging your fingernails into your skin to reassure your existence. Your voice inside your head whispers “Whats the point anymore?, “You are nothing”, “Release yourself of this pain.” … Echoing, Echoing, Echoing, pounding the words into your head like a migraine on repeat. Its defeating. Your world no longer makes sense and you begin to question if it ever made any sense at all…and THIS is only the beginning.

You are a fighter and dismiss the chaotic hum with the sobs that distract the minds flow. Sadness becomes your home and you watch as your tears wrestle for their time on your cheeks. You become misunderstood in the real world-  no one knows you anymore. Your lack of involvement has you isolated from your happiness and joy. Friends seem more and more distant because of your tangled thoughts that convince you they don’t like you anymore. Its the darkness playing you well. Taking away the things that heal your suffering. Your loneliness is what cures the evils hunger and what forms the pattens of destruction. At this time you no longer own yourself and have handed the reins to the unknown. You subconsciously agree to marry its dedication to you and you learn to trust its mislead guidance. You question, “When does this end?” and you start believing that there is no “end” and no such thing as “happiness”. -- Sleep separates you from your abducted days. It cradles you inside heavens nurturing arms of peace as you rest your swollen eyes. Its a freeing feeling to not feel at all, to not worry over nothing, to relax. For each hour slept is another hour gone of your own awoken brutal beatings. -- Your hours turn to days turn to weeks, to months, to years and it circles back around again. Its the game built for you to lose, when you have finally had enough of yourself. Its when you are finally ready to give in and give up on the life you once thought was worth living for. 

When that day arrives you no longer have a sense of who you are. The darkness has removed you from your acknowledgment of self and twisted your eyes backwards to blind you from its wrong doings. Your actions are not yours anymore, but YOUR voice will never be theirs to own. Each foot is found cemented inside this city of disaster you have progressively created and the twister of hate starts to build out of the ground you are held to. Death is near, it is present, breathing on the back of your neck as if to remind you that its there. Cries of fear start pouring out from underneath your eyes, overflowing the hands that catch them. You are tired, you feel weak. — Is the battle won only when you finish the job?  — With confidence your hand grasps the blade that you believe holds the answer. Your found numb in the psychotic tremble that possesses your mind in the stillness of your outer shell. Your screams suddenly present themselves muted as you fight the words that strangle each other in your lost decision. An energy surges through your body shocking your system and drops the knife that planned to end it all. You collapse on hands and knees gasping for air as if someone was restricting your throat from its breathing. Head in your hands you fall into a ball mumbling the soft prayers that you hope diminishes the cloud that hovers over head…it is then a moment of calming peace drifts into the room. Your eyes slowly release and unfold from its wrap around the nothingness inside to reveal a touch of light seen through the dark night. Your eyes smile through its tears as your face begins to regain its color. There is hope. You will be saved. 

The days and nights that follow will not be easy. They will not be kind and they will try to play and trick you like they’ve done before.  Its a constant fight between you and the negatives that linger in the empty pockets around you. Don’t give them that opportunity to hold your insecurities hostage. Your weaknesses are only there to make you stronger not to belittle you and your fears are there to overcome not to hold you back. You will learn to understand that it does take time, it takes patience and trust to fill those empty pockets with love. Knowing that love will defeat any darkness that haunts you. In the end YOU have the final say, YOU choose the final act and no matter how dark the room there is always a light.. you just have to open your eyes to find it.  

Blessed with the Journey we were Given.

Inspiration*

Someone once asked me how they think I could be a role model after experiencing the past that Ive lived…now just because you may have gone through somethings that you aren't proud of doesn't mean you have to wear the chains of shame around your neck for the rest of your life- Doesn't make you any less of a person. You can be an inspiration by standing where others have fallen, by overcoming fears that you once thought were impossible to conquer, by constantly pushing yourself past what is comfortable. You have to teach yourself to walk away from within the shadows of your past and focus on the brighter trails you have started creating for yourself. If others want to judge, let them. Life becomes more beautiful when you are able to own all of who you are and by not letting others opinions break you. -- So no I don't consider myself a role model for the things that I have done, but more so for the bigger picture. This picture expresses that even if you hit rock bottom in life, that doesn't mean life is over. Sometimes we need to hear another voice, to have an angel hold our hand in times of need, to listen, to show us that we are not alone, that there is a brighter side- to share confidence in our ability to rise above goals that we once thought were unattainable. If I can be that voice of hope for someone, if I can motivate others to not give up and not be a quitter, if I can transform others "Cants" to "CAN" by simply sharing my realizations/thought processes throughout my journey, then my past and my pains were well worth it. So never regret the life you've lived and the pains you've overcome, feel blessed that you are now able to help someone else who maybe now living through similar struggles.   --Blessed.

TELEVISED Hard Charge in Tucson, AZ (March 29, 2014)

HARD CHARGE AZ 2014 

Since I started OCR (Obstacle Course Racing) I have challenged myself in many ways, but its not very often that I get the chance to venture outside of the Spartan Race world. I felt honored when I was asked by XRaceWear to represent their clothing line at the televised Hard Charge race in Tucson, AZ on March 29th which was such a GREAT event with wonderful people. The layout of their course and the terrain is completely different from what I am used to over here on the North East coast though. Arizona is hard ground, flat trails, lots and lots of dust/sand- I already knew that this race for me was going to be a challenge. 

One thing that shocked me was the fact that we were able to see the layout prior to race day. Getting the VIP gator ride outlining the course was definitely a first for me, but very helpful when planning out how to reserve my energy during the race. I remember as we were riding along the trails I would be saying to myself, "My knees are not going to like this" lol and (("Don't stress about where you place, just run for fun." )) <-- It was THAT thinking that got me through the race the very next day and once again taught me the power of being able to relax with the positive. 

Someone recently quoted a line from the book "Born to Run", which I have yet to read but it really stuck with me and continues to repeat in my head as I run. I don't remember it exactly but it was something along the lines of: We can't just train and race, running for miles and miles because we feel like its an obligation or that we have to win, but we do it because we truly love it. Their explanation expressed that everything we push ourselves to do comes with a mind game. These mind games will try to play with you like someone throwing a ball back and forth in a game of catch. You feel strong, then you feel defeated, you feel strong, and then you feel defeated again. We feel defeated/ we slow down because we allow our minds to defeat us. When we open our hearts to the love we have for the sport and really dedicate our thoughts to a more positive mind set there comes a sense of relief. The stress we hide in our shoulders are softened and the grind we drag between our teeth is loosened. During the long sections of trail running at Hard Charge I had a lot of time to identify what was holding me back and all I could pin point was my attitude. During my runs I have to remind myself that I do it because I love it not because I have to do it.  

I recently had an appointment for my VO2Max test with Dr. Harry Pino at Chiropractic and Sports Recovery in NJ. I not only learned what my VO2max was (68.5) but I also was able to learn a lot just by talking to both Dr. Pino and Dr. Jan Kasprowicz #ElitePerformanceTeam . I learned that I have to breathe more from my gut, loosen my jaw, relax my shoulders, run more mid foot instead of the ball of the foot and STRETCH STRETCH STRETCH. I had always stretched before and after races but apparently never enough. My hips were TIGHT! I am coming to find as I learn more from training more regularly and properly that my hips were a big part of why my knees were hurting so bad after racing or after/during training runs. 

Hard Charge was the first race after identifying these new discoveries about myself and I can't even begin to tell you what a big difference something so small can make. The race was 4.2 miles of flat ground and typically I would finish a race like that with achy joints, purple knees (just from running) and my overall thoughts would be full of anxiety. This was different. I was relaxed, energized, my knees didn't hurt and were no where near as close to the purple shades I usually see on them coming out of a race. When I was running I didn't allow myself to focus on the negative - instead I constantly went through a check list of the things I needed to remember: check my running form, my breathing, my upper body relaxation, the angles and form my arms are swinging in…. This was the first time I was able to fully distract myself from anything negative coming into my head and man, what a difference. 

So entering the race I thought, "This is a runners course, Im not going to sweat it cause I know its not my 'cup of tea'" but in the end this little "I hate flat courses, I know I won't do well" girl ended up taking 3rd overall for the girls. It's moments like these that remind you to not knock yourself down just because something may appear as a big obstacle.  Its those obstacles that, once overcome, make you see that there is potential for success in your doubts and you are stronger then you think you are. 

OCR is constantly changing my life in one way or another, whether mentally/physically/emotionally and I feel extremely blessed and so so thankful for all the opportunities I have been given. Self discovery is not something that just gets shipped off and sent to your front door. You have to WANT to  learn and grow in anything you do in life- you have to PUSH through the pains when things don't go your way and remember there is a better days ahead and above all you have to BELIEVE in yourself and what you are capable of because its NEVER too late to create the person you always wanted to be.  

(^^ I am 24 not 26 and live in Bloomfield CT not CO lol)

P.S. I believe the race will be Televised nationally on Fox Sports in June. I will let you know more about specific dates when I can --Also you can visit (HardCharge.com) for more details.

Until Next Time!

The Messner 

I am who I am because of who I was...

Towards the end of 2013 it always amazes me when I look back over the past 12 months to reflect and discover just how far you have come in such a short period of time. For me, 2013 has been one of my biggest years yet for change, self discovery, direction and love. 

Prior to 2013 I had subconsciously lost myself inside a blinding fog, which I am sure some of you may be able to relate to some degree. I was spending a lot of time camelianizing myself to please the people around me, deflating the reality of my true character. I would disconnect from the real world and hibernate into a very lonely, selfish place that had little to no meaning. I was so consumed in this lifestyle that I started to believe that this is how life is supposed to be lived, but truth is I wasn't living at all. I built my own business to manage my modeling and singing endeavors for 3.5 years full time. Getting paid to travel, get dolled up, perform, etc. carried a feeling of great accomplishment and success, at least for the time being. Although, when I started coming down off my cloud and could once again feel the ground beneath me, I slowly realized just how little I actually had.  Many who viewed my life from the outside would often refer to it as "living the dream", but little did they know this dream was my swelling nightmare. Towards the end of 2012 the winds that I had been facing for so long began to slowly change direction. I went from vigorously fighting against it to running side by side with it. 

At first I couldn't understand how I was now willing and able to change, to take risks, to walk on the other side where there was no promise for greener grass. How I was able to trust that there was going to be a better outcome for me in the end? Back then I would have considered myself the girl in the good old "Comfort Zone". Not allowing myself to do anything I wasn't already good at or that I knew from day one I would be successful at. Looking at it all now I noticed that taking chances for me then was not an option because I was too afraid to fail. Yes, I was one of the many many people in this world who cradled the fear of not being "good enough"- but this thought process changed and I was truly blessed the day I experienced the joy, inspiration, camaraderie, support and love inside OCR. 

August 2012 was my first Spartan Race and starting out I wasn't as good as I would have wanted to be. I had three burpee penalties and my running was horrendous (haha), but for some reason I was not discouraged by the fact that I wasn't as fast as the others. It actually felt good running the trails in a downpour, makeup running into my eyes, bugs and snot rockets flying everywhere. It was a freeing feeling as though no one else was even there -- just me, the hills and the obstacles ahead of me.  

The more races I did the more I learned about myself and the more I learned about myself the more I wanted to jump into the next race to learn more.  My discovery of my strength emotionally and physically was the most important. Without even realizing it these self discoveries opened my eyes to my surroundings. It made me understand the true meaning of friendship, support and love, that helped me find a whole new appreciation for being/giving those things to someone else. 

The racing community had given me the big family I never had, a closeness with friends I never thought I could have and has blessed me with a new direction in my life. My thoughts went from "I am not good enough" to "I AM good enough!" and although I can't be what everyone want me to be, the important thing is I know what I want to be- Happy. Life is too short to live a life trying to please somebody else or to sacrifice your own happiness for someone else's. 

Throughout the year I had a lot of issues from not training properly and not recovering properly. My knees would ache after every workout and I started getting tendentious in several joints in my body. Instead of taking the time to allow these pains to heal or seek help/ask questions to find out the process of healing, I would train over the pain. Ill tell you from experience, not a good idea. I ended up getting more and more depressed because each time I pushed it, it would hurt more and couldn't perform athletically the way I would have liked to. I guess you could say I had no patience (haha). 

Over the summer I quickly realized that maybe I should slow it down, take the time to recover after workouts and not focus so much on the negative picture of it all. Kevin Donoghue, a Spartan Elite Racer and Elite Performance Team Athlete had also introduced me to Recovery Boots, which gave a whole new meaning to fast recoveries after my hard workouts. These boots helped to circulate the blood in my legs to help revive my lower body. I actually used them in between the Saturday/Sunday race in PA 2013 and that Sunday I got my very first podium. Its a surreal moment passing that finish line when you realize that all your dedication and hard work does in fact pay off. Although, whether crossing the finish with a podium placement or not, one has to always remember YOU CROSSED the finish line. No one was forcing you to run the race, no one told you that you had to finish first place. You cross that line for YOU and if you come out of it with a better understanding of self, a sense of accomplishment and injury free then you have already won. So I may not come out of it with a trophy but I come out stronger, wiser and more insightful. :)

Some people feel intimidated to race in OCR and I can understand why in some aspects, but Ive learned that intimidation that we sometimes feel is really our fears and insecurities whispering negative thoughts into our heads. These negative thoughts are constantly trying to push us away from that euphoric feeling of:  "I DID IT!" feeding us lies like: "you're not good enough" - "You can't do that", but when in fact, YES, you CAN! and Im not talking just OCR either, this is life. Sometimes we have to take risks to see what we are capable of, to create that spark that could change our lives overnight for the better. 

I found my spark in OCR. 2013 had blessed me with hope, direction, drive, friends and a family. Through the good times and the bad I wouldn't change any of it. I am who I am because of my struggles, because of the tears I've shed, the times I felt I lost myself-- making me stronger and more aware of the things I need/want in life. Life was never meant to be easy. Its those daily struggles that make each day an adventure - Challenging your mind and body to develop and/or reach each days potential. Don't hold back from what you want from fear. Sometimes you have to take risks. If it doesn't come out the way you hoped its now a learning experience. --So don't hold back-- Go out there and create yourself! <3

Photo Credit:
Marshall Goff Photography
Andrew Jones Photography
Mass Model Photographer
SB Pixs
Northern Sights Photography
Spartan Race

SoCal Spartan Race - Temecula, CA (January 25-26th 2014)

SoCal Spartan Race - Temecula, CA (January 25-26th 2014)

"It's not about the placement it's about the fight, the willingness to push yourself past what is comfortable - That's how progress is made, that's how Spartans are made." - Laura Messner

Like every Spartan Race, the Temecula, CA event was a whole new experience to learn and grow from. Similar to the week before the Fenway Spartan Race in November I unfortunately got sick the Monday before and I was supposed to fly out on that Wednesday. I came down with the chills, sore throat, cough, headache, ear ache, stomach ache. I was terrified I had got the flu and my flight was seeming awfully close. Immediately I nurse the sickness. Water water water, vitamins, and lots of sleep. By Tuesday afternoon I was well enough to move around out of bed, giving me confidence that I would be able to make it to California. I knew I would so upset and kicking myself in the butt if I felt better by Friday and decided to stay home. I guess you could say this was a good time to STFU!! :P 

I safely made it to CA and I am SO glad I did. The energy before, during and after the weekend seemed much different then usual. Maybe it was because the weather was perfect (Weird. haha) or because of the excitement of it being the first race of the year? Maybe both. Either way the weekend was a huge success. - Great course, amazing staff, inspirational athletes and a beautiful location. 

A couple days prior to the race I was back and fourth thinking what races should I run? Originally I had planned to run the Super on Saturday and the Sprint on Sunday, but after being sick the super course was looking more and more like a bad idea. The other options I had were to either not run and wait for Sunday's sprint or run both days, sprints. The only down side to running the Saturday sprint was there was no points or cash rewards for running. -- BUT wait a minute. Why should I be worried about money or points? I am blessed enough and well enough to be here, blessed enough to have the ability to run at all. So instead of focusing on the negative I took a second to change these negative thoughts and transform them into something positive. Since it didn't seem too smart to try to push through my cough/sore throat in a longer race that I knew I was not ready for, I decided I was going to run for someone/something other then myself. I ran for Autism, for Richard Jr. -Richard is my 26 year old autistic brother and one the happiest kids I know. He's extremely caring, loving and if you are a Disney movie fan then you have a new best friend for life! ;) Running for him gave this weekends race a whole knew meaning. 

Arriving at the event on Saturday I knew I made the right choice when the first song I hear playing from the DJ booth was "My Sharona". This is my brothers go to song on Karaoke night. So although I still was not feeling my best, I felt good knowing that his spirit was with me. That podium had his name all over it.

The beginning of the race I had doubt. My leg muscles instantly tightened up, my throat felt as dry and scratchy as sand paper and I could hear the negative voices starting to enter my head. Thing is, it is difficult living on the North East coast in the winter where there is little desire or motivation to do any hill training. This of course makes for a more painful experience coming to the west coast, jumping right into it and causes a huge shock to my joints. I can sadly say the last time I did hill work outside was at the Malibu Sprint in December. Doesn't matter how much endurance training you do inside of a gym, If you don't train your muscles for the rugged outdoor terrain then your body is definitely going to feel it. Usually after racing I feel it in my ankles more then anywhere else because they are constantly getting rolled or hit with something on the trails. I try to always remember that I am NOT the only one going through these pains. When my body is hurting and I want to quit, instead of feeling sorry for myself with a pity party I remind myself that there is another athlete running who is going through the same struggles I am. If they can push through the pains with hearts full of determination then whats stopping me from doing the same? This thought process gave me the strength I needed to keep running and not stop during those moments I left my comfort zone. It only seemed fair that for only an hour of suffering I would be able to give my brother a reason to smile! :)

Passing that finish line on the first day knowing I won first place for my brother and in support of other kids with autism instantly made my weekend/trip complete. Going from the possibility of not making my flight at all because I didn't feel well to bringing home a first place award to share with my brother.

The quote I put at the top of the blog was the words I found after this weekend. Reminded me that these Spartan Races are more then just what placement or time you got on the course compared to the other racers. Its more importantly about how hard you are willing to push yourself, how many goals you are willing to achieve and having the ability to experience that power, that proud awareness in the moment you pass that finish line and say "I did it!"

Next stop for me is the Arizona Sprint on the 8-9th of February. If I don't see you at that race, I hope to see you at one in the near future. Stay positive and keep smiling :D

Till next time.

Laura*Messner