Secret in the Darkness

This blog entry is something that I wrote to reflect a night I didn't care to live anymore. The darkness got me to a point where I thought death was the only answer to end my suffering. I realize now that those actions and thoughts were just my excuses, fears and doubts manipulating my mind to think I knew what was "best" for me. Ive learned that saying goodbye was/is NEVER the answer, but instead staying in the fight, keeping that little light of hope somewhere in your sight, even if it appears miles and miles away. Thats your reason to keep going when you think you have none. The journey from that moment is long, difficult and scary, yes, but during that stretch of time you learn your worth and your importance in life. You begin to develop a love and appreciation for yourself and your strength to keep moving, understanding its a process. You might not see the growth right away, but every step forward counts. Be PROUD of yourself. #YoureWorthIt #ItsPossible -- Hope you enjoy the read. <3

  December 6, 2015 

 Theres a secret in the darkness. Its a strong hold as if you no longer have the power to control yourself. It surrenders your light and swallows you into the hopelessness of nothing. You become afraid as if the devil has corrupted your mind, slashing you with the negatives you now crave to seek. Its a haunting space that drains your heart empty of its meaning. The numbing sensation to its games is terrifying and your tears feed its power to color your world with the darkest shades of black. You’ve sunken into lonely pockets of the forgotten - slowly losing sight of the memories you treasure. Every turn taken is another hallway that never has an end. No where is comfortable, no where is safe, when now you have become the enemy yourself. The prayers you call to don’t seem to listen and don’t seem to care, for they make no movement. You scream louder for someone to hear your suffering but no doors seem to open. Collapsed and broken you lay across the floor face down so the outside world does not have to see your face. You become ashamed of your presence and hate on others worry. You find yourself in a fetal position gripping at your sides digging your fingernails into your skin to reassure your existence. Your voice inside your head whispers “Whats the point anymore?, “You are nothing”, “Release yourself of this pain.” … Echoing, Echoing, Echoing, pounding the words into your head like a migraine on repeat. Its defeating. Your world no longer makes sense and you begin to question if it ever made any sense at all…and THIS is only the beginning.

You are a fighter and dismiss the chaotic hum with the sobs that distract the minds flow. Sadness becomes your home and you watch as your tears wrestle for their time on your cheeks. You become misunderstood in the real world-  no one knows you anymore. Your lack of involvement has you isolated from your happiness and joy. Friends seem more and more distant because of your tangled thoughts that convince you they don’t like you anymore. Its the darkness playing you well. Taking away the things that heal your suffering. Your loneliness is what cures the evils hunger and what forms the pattens of destruction. At this time you no longer own yourself and have handed the reins to the unknown. You subconsciously agree to marry its dedication to you and you learn to trust its mislead guidance. You question, “When does this end?” and you start believing that there is no “end” and no such thing as “happiness”. -- Sleep separates you from your abducted days. It cradles you inside heavens nurturing arms of peace as you rest your swollen eyes. Its a freeing feeling to not feel at all, to not worry over nothing, to relax. For each hour slept is another hour gone of your own awoken brutal beatings. -- Your hours turn to days turn to weeks, to months, to years and it circles back around again. Its the game built for you to lose, when you have finally had enough of yourself. Its when you are finally ready to give in and give up on the life you once thought was worth living for. 

When that day arrives you no longer have a sense of who you are. The darkness has removed you from your acknowledgment of self and twisted your eyes backwards to blind you from its wrong doings. Your actions are not yours anymore, but YOUR voice will never be theirs to own. Each foot is found cemented inside this city of disaster you have progressively created and the twister of hate starts to build out of the ground you are held to. Death is near, it is present, breathing on the back of your neck as if to remind you that its there. Cries of fear start pouring out from underneath your eyes, overflowing the hands that catch them. You are tired, you feel weak. — Is the battle won only when you finish the job?  — With confidence your hand grasps the blade that you believe holds the answer. Your found numb in the psychotic tremble that possesses your mind in the stillness of your outer shell. Your screams suddenly present themselves muted as you fight the words that strangle each other in your lost decision. An energy surges through your body shocking your system and drops the knife that planned to end it all. You collapse on hands and knees gasping for air as if someone was restricting your throat from its breathing. Head in your hands you fall into a ball mumbling the soft prayers that you hope diminishes the cloud that hovers over head…it is then a moment of calming peace drifts into the room. Your eyes slowly release and unfold from its wrap around the nothingness inside to reveal a touch of light seen through the dark night. Your eyes smile through its tears as your face begins to regain its color. There is hope. You will be saved. 

The days and nights that follow will not be easy. They will not be kind and they will try to play and trick you like they’ve done before.  Its a constant fight between you and the negatives that linger in the empty pockets around you. Don’t give them that opportunity to hold your insecurities hostage. Your weaknesses are only there to make you stronger not to belittle you and your fears are there to overcome not to hold you back. You will learn to understand that it does take time, it takes patience and trust to fill those empty pockets with love. Knowing that love will defeat any darkness that haunts you. In the end YOU have the final say, YOU choose the final act and no matter how dark the room there is always a light.. you just have to open your eyes to find it.