I am who I am because of who I was...

Towards the end of 2013 it always amazes me when I look back over the past 12 months to reflect and discover just how far you have come in such a short period of time. For me, 2013 has been one of my biggest years yet for change, self discovery, direction and love. 

Prior to 2013 I had subconsciously lost myself inside a blinding fog, which I am sure some of you may be able to relate to some degree. I was spending a lot of time camelianizing myself to please the people around me, deflating the reality of my true character. I would disconnect from the real world and hibernate into a very lonely, selfish place that had little to no meaning. I was so consumed in this lifestyle that I started to believe that this is how life is supposed to be lived, but truth is I wasn't living at all. I built my own business to manage my modeling and singing endeavors for 3.5 years full time. Getting paid to travel, get dolled up, perform, etc. carried a feeling of great accomplishment and success, at least for the time being. Although, when I started coming down off my cloud and could once again feel the ground beneath me, I slowly realized just how little I actually had.  Many who viewed my life from the outside would often refer to it as "living the dream", but little did they know this dream was my swelling nightmare. Towards the end of 2012 the winds that I had been facing for so long began to slowly change direction. I went from vigorously fighting against it to running side by side with it. 

At first I couldn't understand how I was now willing and able to change, to take risks, to walk on the other side where there was no promise for greener grass. How I was able to trust that there was going to be a better outcome for me in the end? Back then I would have considered myself the girl in the good old "Comfort Zone". Not allowing myself to do anything I wasn't already good at or that I knew from day one I would be successful at. Looking at it all now I noticed that taking chances for me then was not an option because I was too afraid to fail. Yes, I was one of the many many people in this world who cradled the fear of not being "good enough"- but this thought process changed and I was truly blessed the day I experienced the joy, inspiration, camaraderie, support and love inside OCR. 

August 2012 was my first Spartan Race and starting out I wasn't as good as I would have wanted to be. I had three burpee penalties and my running was horrendous (haha), but for some reason I was not discouraged by the fact that I wasn't as fast as the others. It actually felt good running the trails in a downpour, makeup running into my eyes, bugs and snot rockets flying everywhere. It was a freeing feeling as though no one else was even there -- just me, the hills and the obstacles ahead of me.  

The more races I did the more I learned about myself and the more I learned about myself the more I wanted to jump into the next race to learn more.  My discovery of my strength emotionally and physically was the most important. Without even realizing it these self discoveries opened my eyes to my surroundings. It made me understand the true meaning of friendship, support and love, that helped me find a whole new appreciation for being/giving those things to someone else. 

The racing community had given me the big family I never had, a closeness with friends I never thought I could have and has blessed me with a new direction in my life. My thoughts went from "I am not good enough" to "I AM good enough!" and although I can't be what everyone want me to be, the important thing is I know what I want to be- Happy. Life is too short to live a life trying to please somebody else or to sacrifice your own happiness for someone else's. 

Throughout the year I had a lot of issues from not training properly and not recovering properly. My knees would ache after every workout and I started getting tendentious in several joints in my body. Instead of taking the time to allow these pains to heal or seek help/ask questions to find out the process of healing, I would train over the pain. Ill tell you from experience, not a good idea. I ended up getting more and more depressed because each time I pushed it, it would hurt more and couldn't perform athletically the way I would have liked to. I guess you could say I had no patience (haha). 

Over the summer I quickly realized that maybe I should slow it down, take the time to recover after workouts and not focus so much on the negative picture of it all. Kevin Donoghue, a Spartan Elite Racer and Elite Performance Team Athlete had also introduced me to Recovery Boots, which gave a whole new meaning to fast recoveries after my hard workouts. These boots helped to circulate the blood in my legs to help revive my lower body. I actually used them in between the Saturday/Sunday race in PA 2013 and that Sunday I got my very first podium. Its a surreal moment passing that finish line when you realize that all your dedication and hard work does in fact pay off. Although, whether crossing the finish with a podium placement or not, one has to always remember YOU CROSSED the finish line. No one was forcing you to run the race, no one told you that you had to finish first place. You cross that line for YOU and if you come out of it with a better understanding of self, a sense of accomplishment and injury free then you have already won. So I may not come out of it with a trophy but I come out stronger, wiser and more insightful. :)

Some people feel intimidated to race in OCR and I can understand why in some aspects, but Ive learned that intimidation that we sometimes feel is really our fears and insecurities whispering negative thoughts into our heads. These negative thoughts are constantly trying to push us away from that euphoric feeling of:  "I DID IT!" feeding us lies like: "you're not good enough" - "You can't do that", but when in fact, YES, you CAN! and Im not talking just OCR either, this is life. Sometimes we have to take risks to see what we are capable of, to create that spark that could change our lives overnight for the better. 

I found my spark in OCR. 2013 had blessed me with hope, direction, drive, friends and a family. Through the good times and the bad I wouldn't change any of it. I am who I am because of my struggles, because of the tears I've shed, the times I felt I lost myself-- making me stronger and more aware of the things I need/want in life. Life was never meant to be easy. Its those daily struggles that make each day an adventure - Challenging your mind and body to develop and/or reach each days potential. Don't hold back from what you want from fear. Sometimes you have to take risks. If it doesn't come out the way you hoped its now a learning experience. --So don't hold back-- Go out there and create yourself! <3

Photo Credit:
Marshall Goff Photography
Andrew Jones Photography
Mass Model Photographer
SB Pixs
Northern Sights Photography
Spartan Race